I always wanted a stalker. You know, to watch me from afar, make sure I’m safe. Make sure my Amazon packages aren’t stolen, to help me with my groceries because I have to carry them all in one shot.
Someone to like all my silly Facebook Statuses and retweet all my tweets. Maybe one day…
– Don Mega
So this has been on my mind for a while. I’ve invested a lot into this relationship and it has been great, but now it just seems to be costing me more than it’s worth. It was fun and dynamic at first, but now it’s just more of the same. I’ve been loyal for years now, and I know you’re trying, but now you’re just being lazy. Also, the new stuff doesn’t seem to be working as well as the old stuff.
Perhaps it’s just a time for a change. A break. I’m moving over to Android. I’m sorry. My messages won’t show up as a “blue” iMessage. And you won’t be able to easily locate me on Find My Friends or see me on FaceTime.
There are other ways we can still connect, but it won’t be the same. You won’t like it as much since it’s not completely built in functionality. Google Latitude and Hangouts? Also, I really started liking iTunes, but after the Maps update, I could feel things going downhill.
You can still tweet me, LinkedIn or Facebook Message, other email or gmail me, post on my wall, tag me on an Instagram, comment on my Yelp review, favorite my FourSquare check-in, or you know… leave me a voice mail because I’m too busy on my social networks to pick up phone calls.
Well, at the least the aunties sitting in front of me are smiling and nodding — so that must mean I’m doing something right. I wish they would have warmed me prior to this meeting “treat this arranged marriage meeting like a job interview… for the permanent position of son in law.”
[Alright, quick food break to show that I am not an ungrateful kid that lives in Amreeka.]
And we’re back to the questioning by the Uncle: Where did you study? Where is that? What did you study? Where was your job? What was your title? How much did you make? Why did you leave? What are you doing now? Do you have plans of coming back to India? etc.
And from the corner of my eye, another girl appears with a tray of tea. Is this… “her”? She’s rather big, as in she wouldn’t fit in a regulations size row-boat. Perhaps she’s another auntie, or the sister, or a family friend or the maid. Well, she just sat down next to me, but on the complete opposite end of the couch, so she’s definitely not the maid.
More questions: Will you go back to school? How will you pay for it? What is your favorite subject? How often do you come to India? My nephew studies in New York, do you know him? How much money will you make after school?
[Alright, time to finally take a sip of this tea and shift my body position so I can check out my potential future permanent roommate.]
“Can give us a tour of the house?” asks my Aunt. “Oh yes of course!” He answers. And everyone promptly exits the room, with tea in hand, except for myself and my potential flatmate who won’t split rent with me.
“You have a really nice house here, and the food is wonderful” I says.She smiles and nods, but doesn’t continue the conversation, instead she’s starring towards the floor.
[There are no awkward silences between friends, right? Alright, time for another sip of the tea… A couple of sips later, and I finish the tea]
An Auntie (her Mom) comes into the room to check in on our conversation. Noting the silence, she says [Translated to English] “You should talk to each other, no?” as she’s picking up the empty tea cup and handing me a glass of water. “Yes Auntie” I says, and continue to drink the water. “In Hindi” she responds, while looking at her daughter, and exits the room.
[Oh snaps! My slumber party buddy doesn’t even speak English! And I’m all out of water!]
– Don Mega.
Sometimes it’s tough to get back into writing, but an easy subject to write about is a dream (or a nightmare). I was going to write about the dream through the point of view of my mustache. But I felt like that would have made things a bit confusing: is the mustache going to be a separate entity? Or is it part of the body? How does it refer to the body as a whole. Is this a dream? Also, some would have found it weird, “is the mustache talking to himself or describing the dream to another mustache. I don’t get it” they would say. So instead, I present to you the dream through the lens of my penis.
Yep, pretty dark in here like usual. Man, peeing off that cliff was pretty cool earlier today, hope I get to do that again. Alright, I have one job during this entire arranged marriage meeting with the girl and her family, and that is to NOT stand erect. And I will do everything in my power to do the opposite so this entire meeting is awkward as f*ck for everyone.
It was the second semester of fifth grades and jacks really swept the playground. There were kids playing jacks on every corner, it was great! Well especially for me, since at the end of the first semester I saw a few kids playing jacks and I knew that it would catch on. So during Christmas break, I purchased a set of jacks and practiced all winter. Man, the kids sure were surprised when they first saw me play for the first time. It was a really good time.
– Don Mega
I first started writing in order to fill an empty text box in my AOL Instant Messenger profile. That slowly transformed into a blog. Then I got a full-time job and the money came in but the writing stopped. On a couple of occasions in the recent past, as I was hanging out with friends someone would mention “hey man, you should write again.”
So I said okay.
– Don Mega.